My story

It’s been a long time

So it has been a long time since I wrote anything. It’s normal for me to start a project and do well, to then give up on it after a week.  There has been ups and downs, but that is life. I started to get emails about people following me and i felt like writting again. Mostly because i am getting better and i wanna tell people that its possible. I’ve been stuck for two years, but im finally getting better. So its worth fighting for yourself. Its always worth fighting.

As i said i’ve gotten better! Gotten myself a good guy and i have finally found a place i can call my own. I dont have to stay with my mom anymore. I love her but some people arent healthy for you. And if they dont understand that and cant take a step away from you for you, then you need to do that.

Nothing is easy, but it will get better one day.

My story

My Story: Heartbroken

Today my mom called me and did her usual ranting about how i’m not doing enough stuff. She does know i have depression and but she keeps pushing. She is a very strong woman and for her it is natural to push back harder if the world pushes you into a corner. She does it for love and all she wants to do is to help and i mean, try telling a mother to not help her kid, when her kid is suffering. No mother can hold back, even tho i keep telling her that she is just hurting more than helping.

The thing that broke my heart tho is that my idiot of a stepdad scolded her for not doing enough to help!  URG. No one says that to my mom. She might have made some bad choices when i were younger, but she never did anything to hurt me. She is working so hard on giving me the life she never had.

It made me cry and i want to punch my step dad. Of course all he want is to help to, but don’t talk like that to your wife! You are supposed to support her too!

If someone is sad about your situation and are trying to help, then they are doing all that they can do!

My mom might be the biggest source of my panicattackst and problems but i love her by all of my heart. We are just too different to understand each other well, but we are both working hard on getting to understand each other more and more.

I love you mom, you are the strongest woman i know.

Love CupCakeMixxi

 

My story

My story: I hit a wall

When i was at my doctor yesterday, she told me something that only really hit me today. My psychologist had diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. First i thought nothing about it really. Maybe she was wrong and didn’t know the full aspect of it all.

But it slowly hit me that she was probably right, because you know, she is a doctor.

It has kinda stopped me in my tracks. It feels like i got broken a little bit more inside.

Now i am not saying that having a bipolar disorder is the end of the world. I am saying that i realized what it meant. It meant that i would have to fight with it my whole life.  I never know when it will hit again and i will have to watch for it for the rest of my life.

The reason that this is a wall for me is, i have been tired of fighting so many times now. I have giving up so many times now and i just want it to be over. But it will never be over now.

I am saying all of this with very little background knowledge and i am sorry if i am wrong about anything. This is just me talking about how i am feeling right now and the thoughts going through my head.

 

But right now i am gonna keep trying! This wall will not stay up for ever.

Never stop fighting.

Love CupCakeMixxi

My story

My story: The Doctor’s

I was just at my doctor today and it’s maybe the 5th time this month. I feel like my anxiety might get me to call a bit more often, but eh, it’s free. The things is that i have realized how easily scared i am. My doctor had to tell me that she couldn’t handle more information otherwise she will forget what we have talked about.

Everything just seem so scary because you never know when it’s the pills doing something or if it is something else. I am lucky that i got so nice doctors who understand how scary anxiety can be, but i also have to remember that not all little things will turn dangerous fast. I will survive to go around with it to see if it develops.

A little advice.

DON’T GOOGLE THE SYMPTOMS!!

The “you have cancer” memes are true! It is the most efficient way to scare the cupcake out of me ^^’

Love CupCakeMixxi

My story

My story: A realization

Only a couple of days ago, i had to call my dad because i had a breakdown. I felt so terribly alone and i need someone to talk to, so he came over. While trying to get my hyperventilation under control, i complained about how i didn’t think my boyfriend was supporting me enough. My dad told me that i was being too harsh.

“How is that poor boy going to help you all the way from Austria? Especially in that way you want it.”

“But all i want is someone to listen to me and tell me its gonna be okay! To hug me and kiss me on the forehead. To comfort me! …. all i want is a mom” I said this while crying my heart out. Right there something clicked. I was trying to get my boyfriend to fill out the role of my mom.

My mom is alive and well, she is just in another country most of the time and have been so all my life. I only saw her twice a month when i was younger, that became once a month, every second month, and so on. Now i only see her twice a year. I have only in the reason years gotten a good relationship with my stepmother and her daughter also has problem because of the way she raised her. So i have never had a mother figure that has been there for me when i really needed it and saw the change in me when i became more and more depressed. I still need a mother figure or a comfort person, but for now it has made me more calm to realise that my boyfriend wasn’t being bad at comforting me.

How to ask a boy to find his mother instincts lol.

If you got someone to talk to, that wants to listen to you crying out. Cry out. Sometimes you realize something that can change your world and maybe help you. Sometimes they tell you that what you are doing is wrong. My dad basically saved my relationship.

Love CupCakeMixxi

Others post/articles

Loving Someone With Depression — The Catalysts for Change

I have depression and i have been struggling with my loved ones, because they don’t understand what is happening and i haven’t always realized how it affects them.

If you are a loved one off one with depression, read up on it and really listen.

And be patient

Love CupCakeMixxi

 

I’ve never been depressed. I’ve had my share of my own crazy and sure, I have my bad times. I have those times where I start crying while brushing my teeth and I’m not sure why. We’ve all experienced this to an extent. You go through a patch where staying in bed all day isn’t […]

via Loving Someone With Depression — The Catalysts for Change

Tips and Tricks

Tips and Tricks: Remembering things

My memory is awful because of my depression. If i do not write it down i WILL forget.

I am keeping 3 different calendars so i always have something to write it down in and i update them all everyday.

To remember the stuff that doesn’t have a date i have stuck clothe clips on my upper shelf on my desk. Then i use notes and hang them there so i can always see them.

Don’t feel bad about forgetting something. It can’t be helped when you are stressed. All you can do is write it down and hope you look at it.

Love CupCakeMixxi

 

Tips and Tricks

Tips and Tricks: Chores

Now i have never been good at cleaning and of course the depression is not helping. I was never really disciplined in keeping stuff clean. Basically my dad used my mom (who was never home) to scare me into cleaning when i was a kid. He still used her when i got older but since it was not as scary anymore, he resolved to asking me every week. He was not good at cleaning himself, so there weren’t a lot of inspiration from him. My mom has crazy high cleaning standards that i could never keep. They are divorced btw. So cleaning has never been a good thing for me.

This is why i have had to develop a plan for when i do what in a week.

Monday: Do the dishes

Tuesday: gather trash

Wednesday: Clean a little bit

Thursday: Vacuum clean

Friday: Do the dishes

Saturday: Wash clothes

Sunday: Clean + make a food plan

Monthly: Change the bedsheets

If i just do that one thing as much as i can, i will get closer and closer to keeping the house clean. It is not always easy and there can be a lot of stuff to do sometimes, so it is important to not stress yourself over it. Just do as much as you can do that day and when you have a good day, you can take a little extra. This will create a rhyme for you to follow and hopefully make it a habit for you. At least that is the plan for me.

I love to make stuff on the computer so i make it fun for me by making these papers and hanging them all over the house so i can see them.

 

Love CupCakeMixxi

Tips and Tricks

Tips and Tricks: Rules

One of the things i find hard is to keep some kind of a structure in my life.  My sleeping rhythm is way off  and i do sleep to much. My room is always messy, even tho i would love to be able to keep it clean.

To fight this i have made some simple rules that i should try to follow. I am always trying to take baby steps otherwise it will be to much. Don’t try to change your life completely at the same time. If you don’t have a strong foundation, the rest of the structure will fall.

So i have 5 rules that i simply must try to follow. If i fail, i will just try again tomorrow. But those 5 rules are all i have to do right now.

Rule #1  No computer games before 13:00

This combined with rule #4 is forcing me to do something else than escaping into my little safe world that the computer games gives me. I do not force myself to do my chores there, but this gives me the opportunity.

Rule #2  One chore must be done

This is probably the hardest rule to keep xD. But it is easier to tell myself that i just have to do this one thing and that is it. It might not get the house clean but if i just keep doing it, the house will be clean at some point.

Rule #3  Go to bed no later than 01:00

This is simply to correct my sleeping habits. This time is not too early to miss fun with friends and not too late so you will feel trashed in the morning.

Rule #4 Get up no later than 10:00

Again to correct my sleeping habits and prevent me from sleeping until 13:00 so i can just play videogames when i get up.

Rules #5 Keep the budget

This is because of my crazy way to spend money. I was never taught how to spend my money probably, so i have been buying stuff with my heart and not my brain. ^^’

I had a friend help me create a budget.

When creating your own rules, then keep in mind that:

#1 you should be able to break one rule without it making it impossible for you to keep one of the other rules.

#2 don’t make too many rules

#3 don’t be too harsh on yourself, it should be easy rules to follow.

My rules are on danish btw.

I hope this will help someone out there, it has definitely helped me 🙂

Love CupCakeMixxi

 

 

Uncategorized

First blog: Explanation

Hi everyone!

This is going to be a blog about my fight against my depression. The reason why i want to blog about it, is because i want to bring some light over it. There are too many that doesn’t know how it is to have a depression and doesn’t know how hard it can be. Of Course this is not going to make you understand everyone with depression because everyone is different, in different situations, but i hope that this can at least bring some light over it.

 

This is also for those who feel alone and want someone to talk to. I want to help people and i want to show them that the feelings we might share are not wrong.

You are not alone.

Love CupCakeMixxi